ariane elizabeth

If you didn't realize it yet, I moved to vaidintuve. "Imagination"

Possible little girls name: Azaela "Azzie" Munroe Kenney

Possible little boys name: Zurich "Dec" Decibel Kenney
Dec like how you would say the beginning of December.

i vow to create more, and destroy less.

patheticall i miss andy because the past four days i have been curled into him, into my bed, cruising in his car, going to parks, taking pictures. yadda yadda yadda. dating things.
it was nice to always have someone to hold my hand, though i don't think i held his much. just the idea that it was there was comforting. mainly i just lean my body into him, or hang onto his neck while he drags me along because i'm "that kind of person."
he planned a dream date for me this weekend filled with the embassy suite and medieval times but had to cancel it because of the five hundred dollar bill we racked up while he was in jamiaca.
i am heartbroken, but of course understand.
actually it was my idea.

i entered four poems into an anthology at DePaul and am praying i get published. i wrote one about my dad it goes like this:

what my father once told me (on why he works)

Sometimes
when the ice sticks
       to my windshield
and the car’s bones rattle
    from frozen metal
i look to the east,
       the cold burning my eyes,
and say
        “this one’s for you”

and carry on.




he actually said this ones for you lovie but no one would understand that, and its more personal. anyways. i don't think its that great, but i like it because its one of the first positive poems i've written about my dad,ever.
when andy finally loads the pictures of us at the parks i'll post some of them. theres one i really love. god i miss that kid.
i also miss shelley but thats a whole other story.
and sleep overs and driving around with the girls screaming my lungs out or just really having "the girls."

i am more in love with andy than i have been in a long time.
that's all i really felt like saying.

i was going to say something interesting but now i don't feel like it. i can't explain it; everytime i try to it doesn't come out right. so i quit. i can't write anything. i feel so ridiculous and dumb. i just want to go to bed alone and not hear you breathing on the other side of the phone. i want to drink five cups of coffee tomorrow and stay up all night. i want to hop on a train and sleep on your floor. i want, i want, i want to feel so alive it hurts.

i wish i were alone so i could lay on my floor listening to sad songs. it always makes me feel something.

i watched a homeless man suffer and didn't give him my mittens. i hate myself for it. i need to start carrying around change.

i went to the movies the other night to see cloverfield for the second time and Colby was there. i've lived in the same town with him since i was little, we went to the same elementary school and i've only seen him at the movie theater ONCE in my entire life. But of course, he was there. He looked at andy and you could see his eyes flair, like thats annie's boyfriend, and then he looked back for me and found me. we made eye contact. i pretended like we didn't. i didn't acknowledge him from that point on.

you have no idea how awkward this is, the last time i saw him i was laying in his bed and he was practically trying to have sex with me. i just wanted to be held and kissed and loved cause i missed andy so i went to sleep. when i woke up, he was being an asshole and ignored me. that is where we left off. if i never have to see him ever again i'll be perfectly content.

"you have to ask yourself whether anything you do in this life would have beauty and meaning without the knowledge you carry of a final line, a border or limit."

It's really weird how you hate who you are, but in a few years you completely miss that person. It's awful. So awful. I miss being a freshman in highschool, although I was a disaster, because I gave my friends all of me. I mean I wouldn't trade my relationship in for the world but I completely miss being the best of friends with someone. Seeing them everyday and having sleep overs and watching movies and talking until you fall asleep. I can't write this right now, its making me way too emotional.

Everyone nominate five friends for me to add.
I want to build up my friends list.
I feel alone.

I'm going to New York City. The place I was supposed to go to school, but didn't because of my sister and andy. The place I've been drawn to since I can't even remember. I'm going to New York City.

It's a service immersion trip. I'm going to tutor innercity children much like I do here, back in Chicago. We are going to go to the projects and help fix them up and try to make as much of a difference as we can while we are there. There are 10 people in my group, including me. There's a student leader, a staff leader, and eight students. Everyone seems so open and willing to become this close knit family and I am so excited. We are driving there in a 12 passenger van. I think this is going to change my life. I really think it will. And I can't express my excitement enough.

I only wish I had time to visit the few of you that live there, or around there. Breaks my heart. If only.

I was talking to Andy today and telling him that if I teachforamerica after I get out of college, I should probably teach in an area i'd like to live in case they extend an offer to me or I make connections while i'm there. I told him I could go to California and before I could even get it out of my mouth he goes, "I'm down." And then next thing I know he's kissing me and I'm saying I could teach there and he goes, And I could do graphics there, and he's kissing me and i'm looking at him and there's this feeling of infinity and i'm not scared at all. California sounds romantic, even if its just for awhile.

And of course I know that nothing works out that perfectly, but I can dream. Right?




Oh, and I've lost like seven pounds or so. I've been working out like three times a week. Dance party. Crunch Class. Core stretch. Ellipticals. And eating nothing but salad, but I love salad so that's nothing new or hard. I feel light and happy and I'm excited for summer and tan skin and road trips and the heat pressing against my skin. I can't wait to do my homework on oak street beach and lay on my balcony and tan with a good book. Oh god, it sounds delicious.

how do people grow up to be so boring?

What I got him:

+ A scarf
+ A white tie
+ Mouse trap!!
+ A pengiun mug
+ A stocking filled with:
- Candy
- Slamwhich the card game
- A little helicopter
- Mac 4 turbo razor (or something)
- Four razor refills
- Finger paint!
+ Three facial products from neutrogena men
- Face lotion
- Face scrub
- Shaving cream
+ Beard and trimmer set
+ A blue courdoroy hat
+ Speakers for his mp3 player
+ Kenneth Cole Reaction Cologne gift set
- Deodorant
- Cologne
- Aftershave
+ Penguin Humidifier (for his allergies)

Andy and I had our Christmas. He got me:

+ 120 box of Crayola Crayons

+ Disney Princess Coloring Book 5 in 1

+ A Stocking filled with $25 worth of Candy
+ A fiber optic pen and a candy cane pen
+ Slippers with da fur
+ Prettiest scarf in the world

+ An old fashioned popcorn maker!!

+ A digital photo frame

+ Wisp flameless Candle
+ 2 scents for the candle. French Vanilla and Apple Cinnamon
+ Love Actually DVD
+ A gift card to Chili's
+ A gift card to Panera
+ An adorable Christmas card
+ And my motherfucking gorgeous ring.



we stayed at a log cabin at starved rock. Huge bed. Roaring fire. Our little christmas tree and a mass amount of presents.

and i got dizzy off the wine
that we broke open with fire pokers
and the glass shattered on the blankets
i swore you wanted to make love on
but was completely wrong.
and i woke up every few minutes sad, and whining
and for no reason really
but my head was dizzy
and i kept invisioning all these glasses
that had to be filled and it was impossible for
my mind to keep up
and it hurt
and i whimpered
and you rubbed my back and told me that
"everything was going to be okay"
and i believed you and lured myself
back to sleep to awake momentarialy to you lying
next to me and squeeze you
till my arms felt weak
because home is wherever you are
and i never want to leave.

It snowed again last night, which secretly depresses me but I guess it's good for the icefalls we'll be seeing in a few days. It's 227pm and I've done nothing with myself except lay in bed and walk around the internet. I should have woken up earlier and went to the bank and cashed my checks but that would probably involve walking and this isn't Chicago anymore, its very boring.

I should have made plans for today but I guess in a way I didn't really want any. I want to walk around in my new slippers I forced him to let me open, and write poetry and drink coffee and watch the Green Mile because my crazed co-worker forced his present on me, and read the Raw Shark Texts before my friend disowns me or steals it away.

It's late. I've been thinking a lot and i've determined that's no good. I feel lonely and for no good reason because I was just befriended until one in the morning. Forty five minutes alone and I'm a nut case. Oh well. I wish you would pick up your phone and talk to me, but I also realize I need to learn how to entertain myself and make it on my own. I keep thinking my phone is blinking, but my mind is only hopeful. 149am and I have nothing better to do but think about your arms wrapped around me. And how dumb. How stupidly dumb. You used to mean so much more to me. How did everything become so backwards?